Difficult Friends

I like to think that this is a trait (or behavior, really) that happens to be particularly prevalent amongst a small group of very smart, very high-achieving people, but I'm not sure if it's true... but the trait is a sort of one-upping, frenemy-ish competition over everything. This behavior manifests itself when you tell your friend that you love summer break because you've already gotten to read five fun books this summer. And competitive friend (hereafter known as CF) tells you that she has already read seven books this summer. Or you tell CF that your mom is really sick and in the hospital again and it's just sort of tough on you. CF then tells you how her aunt is really sick again and it's just really terrible because this aunt has been sick again and she knows it's stressing out her dad. Or you tell CF that your grant proposal got approved. And CF tells you why her internship is so much better than working on a grant.

It's such a shitty thing to do and it's hard to deal with because I honestly don't know how to have this conversation. In my life right now, CF is a good friend and I know that she means well (at least most of the time) and I feel like there are ways that she understands me that others really don't - we have the parents with cancer connection (though her mom has been in remission for years now), but that's not exactly common. And it does mean something because she does understand some of the complex emotions I'm experiencing and the sort of carpe diem that seizes you. But at the same time, her behavior recently has been outrageous atrocious. And previously, when attempting to tell her something she's doing is frustrating me, she ends up telling me she forgives me. WTF?

I'm sure it's making it sound like she's not really a friend, but the truth is that life isn't that easy for her now and she has been there for me in the past and I know that I am asking a lot from her right now... or at least I'm less emotionally available to her than I might otherwise be. It's just such a frustrating situation because I don't know how to tell her that this competition thing isn't okay, that it's not appropriate. That when I'm sad and upset, those are my feelings and they are valid and legitimate if for no other reason than because they are my feelings. Telling me something worse isn't helpful. I know other people are in worse situations, but that doesn't fix my life. And the truth is that things have been stunningly difficult in the past couple of weeks. This isn't how most twentysomethings are living, I don't share the same concerns they do. In some ways, I honestly feel like I'm middle-aged and dealing with the transition from child to parent of my own parents.

But that's not really why I'm writing or what I'm feeling, I'm just experiencing the frustration of dealing with my own particular CF and not sure how to deal with this. How do you tell someone that a trait of hers pisses you off? Can it be changed? What's the optimal outcome you can hope for in a conversation? Can she still change? I think those are important questions that I need to evaluate here and in a similar situation with another acquaintance/colleague... basically, are we still young enough to be molded? Or is the unwaivering belief that one is always right the silver armor preventing the clay from changing shape?