I went on another date that I thought went really well and I was super-excited about this guy... and the day after I let myself imagine the future. Well, a second date. But still, the most forward thinking I've let myself do in a bit. And of course this guy is no longer interested, though he perhaps really does want to be friends. I feel like he's going to say that he can't date me because my life is too together and I'm too far ahead of him (despite the fact that he's older, though he just graduated from college, but hasn't even applied to grad schools in another field I happened to double-major in). I don't want to hear it or deal with it or breathe it or think it.
I hate this. I want to be resilient and the only real way I can move forward is by actually just moving forward without stopping and thinking about everything, mourning possibilities or lamenting the past, and that's by finding new boys to date... but is that a good idea? By not mourning them or just throwing myself a brief pity party (beyond simply reflecting now in writing this), am I limiting my own resilience? Can I only keep up at this pace for so long and then I just won't be able to date? I know I'm sort of anti-clingy and guys seem so surprised that I can have that rather masculine trait too, but maybe in doing that I'm further bottling everything up and limiting my dating endurance. But should I really plan to have to do this for so much longer? Do I want to? I was happy being an island, a nun, whatever we want to call it... the first year of grad school when I didn't even really think about dating. Or was I just content because I didn't see another choice? Can I go back? Do I have to stop looking in order to find anything halfway decent?
I don't know, I'm just feeling frustrated by everything because I finally liked someone and he didn't like me back... the opposite of the crap I've been dealing with so it's frustrating... but it'll all look better in the morning, I'm sure.
3 weeks ago
