"Do you ever feel like nothing's going right?
And do you ever feel like you've got nowhere to go,
But you tell yourself you can't quite let go,
I really hope that there's something more,
'Cause I feel I don't have much to show,
Worth anything in my life, worth anything in my life...
But there is hope in the pain,
Hope in my tears,
And even my shame,
And I have hope in my doubts,
And hope in my faults,
Even in my fear."
-from Ryan Calhoun's "Hope"
And do you ever feel like you've got nowhere to go,
But you tell yourself you can't quite let go,
I really hope that there's something more,
'Cause I feel I don't have much to show,
Worth anything in my life, worth anything in my life...
But there is hope in the pain,
Hope in my tears,
And even my shame,
And I have hope in my doubts,
And hope in my faults,
Even in my fear."
-from Ryan Calhoun's "Hope"
So the song is a bit dramatic, but I searched for a particular quote I had in mind and couldn't find it and I had to give up on that for the time being.
Just wanted to express my frustration with certain 'friends' and classmates who continue to feel entitled to say just about whatever they want. Obviously I'm more tired than usual and it's been a very, very rough two-ish weeks for me, and most of them at least kind of know that it's been difficult. And yet, one of them, who has honestly been the closest to me for a lot of the time I've been in grad school and who is the most like me of anyone, continues to feel entitled to continue to make comments about me being single and being the only one not married, etc. It's not the same as announcing that you're married or talking to someone about that - marriage is much more of a choice than being single, at least for people living in a small town with a horrific dating track record/history with some really scary people in the rearview mirror. But regardless of my marital status and how okay I am with it (because I really am okay with it, it was NEVER my intention to get married at 22 and I do believe that individuals should date more than one person over the course of a lifetime), it's just not okay to point this out and repeatedly announce that someone is the only person not married and time is ticking.
Who are you? My mother? How do you think you have any right to say this to me? When I informed you that it was not appropriate or appreciated, was that not enough of a hint? Do you need to make yourself feel better about your decision to get married very early (because that is somewhat unusual in academia, no matter how small a town in the Deep South we live in)?
It's just really frustrating because it's so hurtful and such crappy timing... and I just needed to blog about it, to share this experience with people that potentially get it. Or just to write it and remind myself that it is ridiculous and outrageous and most definitely, not okay.
4 comments:
i understand your hurt over this completely.
i've had female cancer issues since i was 19. makes it rather difficult to have children after you've had female cancer and i've been told after a year of being on infertility drugs (this was a few years ago) that i'd most likely not be able to have kids (i still have hope, i've never given up hope). yet people just find it absolutely necessary to ask me "why dont you have kids? your 29 years old..." and it feels like they've slapped me across the face and punched me in the gut.
i wonder if everyone in the freaking world are idiots! i doubt they think before they speak.
Ugggh. I feel your pain - and it sounds like even though you have your head in the right place about this, it's still super annoying!
I recently had someone I was on a second date with say something incredibly rude to me, and the most helpful advice came from my dad, who said "it's not about you, it's about him" and referenced a book called "You are not the Target." From your post, it sounds like you already picked up on the fact that this is about her own s**t, but still - you'd think as adults people would know better than to barge in (and judge!) someone else's life.
Deep breaths, and I hope your week only improves from here!
Thanks, ladies! It definitely makes me feel better to know that not everyone thinks this is acceptable behavior and that not everyone else gets to walk around and never has anything rude or mean or hurtful said to them (not that I'd wish it on anyone, but knowing you're not the only one is sort of a relief)!
Ah, wait until you're 32. Around 22 my grandmother asked if I was sure I liked boys. Around 25, my mother commented that she'd given up on my having children. By 28, my mother lamented how she never thought HER daughter would be an old maid.
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