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Sometimes - especially around the holidays - I pause to wonder whether I'm losing myself. While most people enjoy some family time (or at least most people my age), I mostly dread it and now, more than ever, I find myself pulled in every direction. I spend so much time trying to fix things and make things better for everyone in my family AND trying to finish up the semester and do everything for my boss(es) and for group projects that I sometimes wonder what I'm supposed to be doing or what I would really like to do - not just what everyone expects me to do.
Maybe the rest of the world doesn't experience this or lose themselves quite like I have a tendency to, and as I get older I suppose I'm more aware of this and more apt to remind myself that it's okay to think about myself. I guess I just thought about it a lot today as I realized I had a lot of work to do before Monday - including a final exam Monday night (but seriously, who does that?!) - and I'm exhausted, but haven't even gotten much of "my" work done. Instead of helped do house repairs and keep the parents updated while they've been in another hemisphere, I've shopped for presents and groceries, stocked the fridge and the pantry, loaned out my car and cleaned up a ton of stuff. It's tough and I have to drive back tomorrow and cram like nobody's business because I really don't know what's happening with that exam. But at least I'm going back to my own little sanctuary, with my dog and my own work and problems and issues to take care of... and if everything's not perfect here, well, I just have to let it go. Even if it feels a bit selfish.
1 comments:
I got crap this holiday because my husband choose to do the selfish thing and stay home on Thanksgiving day to work on his finals--because after finals he has to work on a massive conference paper, because he's working 40 hours a week, going to school FT and being a tutor. Being that I lost my job, me driving 6 hours (3 to, 3 from)in one day to see family isn't a huge upset in my dull life, but husband was already behind in school work. Instead of understanding I got "well I'm really disappointed" and the silent treatment. Family.
I really lost myself in my last job--it's good that you are aware of it, I wasn't until things got dangerous. Keep your head up, us academics get it.
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