Losing Myself

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Sometimes - especially around the holidays - I pause to wonder whether I'm losing myself. While most people enjoy some family time (or at least most people my age), I mostly dread it and now, more than ever, I find myself pulled in every direction. I spend so much time trying to fix things and make things better for everyone in my family AND trying to finish up the semester and do everything for my boss(es) and for group projects that I sometimes wonder what I'm supposed to be doing or what I would really like to do - not just what everyone expects me to do.

Maybe the rest of the world doesn't experience this or lose themselves quite like I have a tendency to, and as I get older I suppose I'm more aware of this and more apt to remind myself that it's okay to think about myself. I guess I just thought about it a lot today as I realized I had a lot of work to do before Monday - including a final exam Monday night (but seriously, who does that?!) - and I'm exhausted, but haven't even gotten much of "my" work done. Instead of helped do house repairs and keep the parents updated while they've been in another hemisphere, I've shopped for presents and groceries, stocked the fridge and the pantry, loaned out my car and cleaned up a ton of stuff. It's tough and I have to drive back tomorrow and cram like nobody's business because I really don't know what's happening with that exam. But at least I'm going back to my own little sanctuary, with my dog and my own work and problems and issues to take care of... and if everything's not perfect here, well, I just have to let it go. Even if it feels a bit selfish.

FML

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow—
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

-"Don't Quit" (Anonymous)


FML. Billionth ticket of the year today... this one not for parking, but speeding. My first speeding ticket. Damn these stupid cops and small town in desperate need of revenue. They keep setting up ridiculous speed traps and just sitting and waiting for locals to get sick of abiding by the two foot stretch where the speed limit drops for no reason (by a good 15mph!) or tourists who don't know any better. I hate this crap. Just when I think I'm successfully juggling all the problems... I think you should be allowed to just announce that you have enough and people should have to leave you alone (or stop demanding to be houseguests or asking for favors).

Seriously, I just can't figure out how to say no anymore... how do you guys say no? Do you just say "NO" and don't give an excuse? Even when it's to friends? Seriously, I just can't participate in another ten hour thesis experiment for someone, go to a Mary Kay party, be an Avon demo, host a sleepover and 5 different houseguests in less than 3 days and not completely lose my mind... so who loses and how can I do it?