...comes from some other beginning's end. (I'm feeling the Semisonic today, apparently.)
Just got back from a graduation party for the girl who I would probably call my best friend here in grad school. She's decided to stop at her Masters rather than staying on for the Ph.D., so that's a whole other interesting decision that I have weird and conflicting feelings about (because it is weird when you don't make that same decision and experience a mix of jealousy and some terror for her because her future is so uncertain in these economic times), but she's been gone this summer for an internship and moved out a the beginning of the summer, so she really has been gone. But still, somehow it's more final now. She might take a job only 4 hours away from us, but she might end up about 20 hours away.
It's hard to say good-bye with so much uncertainty and sadly, a lot unsaid on my part. I'm not sure she knows that I would really consider her my closest friend here. Another girl would probably tell everyone/has told everyone that we're best friends and done her best to create that impression, but the reality is that my friend currently leaving is the one I trusted more, spent more time with, was more consistent and there for me when I needed her (as opposed to when it was convenient or just when she thought she'd get to learn information about me that I kept private, thus helping her convince all others that the two of us were BFFs). I feel some weirdness that I haven't told her that or done a better job of that and I know that in large part I've just been distracted by my family stuff and so I haven't held myself to the same standards of living/etiquette/relationships that I have previously, but sometimes I wonder if I just the family as an excuse for my failures or "almost good enough" attempts at various pursuits.
And it's not that I can't tell her this information, but it's still just sad for me... and all of these realizations are hitting me hard. I'm not sure even I knew that she was really my closest friend here because it doesn't occur to me to think like that, to rank order people or compare them like that. But I did this afternoon when I was around both of them and lots of others in the program and it just sucks. It hurts. I'm annoyed with myself for not realizing this sooner, but again, know that I just need to move forward, do better from this point and that the two of us are going to start research-based blog or column that bridges the practitioner/academic gap and makes us world famous... thus earning me the money to get to the "more money than sense" level and allowing me to build a mansion complete with outdoor pool where you can swim and float and drink AND watch a TV with sports on (so now I could be out in the pool with a daiquiri watching the Yankees-Sox game right now.
6 days ago
