Every new beginning...

...comes from some other beginning's end. (I'm feeling the Semisonic today, apparently.)

Just got back from a graduation party for the girl who I would probably call my best friend here in grad school. She's decided to stop at her Masters rather than staying on for the Ph.D., so that's a whole other interesting decision that I have weird and conflicting feelings about (because it is weird when you don't make that same decision and experience a mix of jealousy and some terror for her because her future is so uncertain in these economic times), but she's been gone this summer for an internship and moved out a the beginning of the summer, so she really has been gone. But still, somehow it's more final now. She might take a job only 4 hours away from us, but she might end up about 20 hours away.

It's hard to say good-bye with so much uncertainty and sadly, a lot unsaid on my part. I'm not sure she knows that I would really consider her my closest friend here. Another girl would probably tell everyone/has told everyone that we're best friends and done her best to create that impression, but the reality is that my friend currently leaving is the one I trusted more, spent more time with, was more consistent and there for me when I needed her (as opposed to when it was convenient or just when she thought she'd get to learn information about me that I kept private, thus helping her convince all others that the two of us were BFFs). I feel some weirdness that I haven't told her that or done a better job of that and I know that in large part I've just been distracted by my family stuff and so I haven't held myself to the same standards of living/etiquette/relationships that I have previously, but sometimes I wonder if I just the family as an excuse for my failures or "almost good enough" attempts at various pursuits.

And it's not that I can't tell her this information, but it's still just sad for me... and all of these realizations are hitting me hard. I'm not sure even I knew that she was really my closest friend here because it doesn't occur to me to think like that, to rank order people or compare them like that. But I did this afternoon when I was around both of them and lots of others in the program and it just sucks. It hurts. I'm annoyed with myself for not realizing this sooner, but again, know that I just need to move forward, do better from this point and that the two of us are going to start research-based blog or column that bridges the practitioner/academic gap and makes us world famous... thus earning me the money to get to the "more money than sense" level and allowing me to build a mansion complete with outdoor pool where you can swim and float and drink AND watch a TV with sports on (so now I could be out in the pool with a daiquiri watching the Yankees-Sox game right now.

Sense of Justice

"You can't let one bad moment spoil a bunch of good ones." -Dale Earnhardt

Medical examiners and other such professionals have found it acceptable to tell the world that Steve McNair was killed by his girlfriend who then committed suicide. All the signs were there and many had speculated about what really happened before this "official" ruling, but still, the actual announcement of it makes it tangible and sad in a different (more real?) way.

McNair was one of the "good guys" - a pro-athlete who did a lot of charity work because he wanted to, not just to make amends or as part of court-ordered community service. He was a family man and active in the city he played for (well, spent most of his career with). And somehow he's shot by his girlfriend (he is or was married), just hours after she's arrested for DUI in a car that both of them co-own. It's sad and it's sketchy and it does taint the memory of a supposedly great guy...

It makes me sad because I feel like there's already very very little incentive for pro-athletes to do good in the world. The norms for pro-athlete behavior aren't the same as in the real world - pro-athletes are pressured to perform in completely different, measureable ways and they are surrounded with more temptation and money and choices than most of us will ever see and yet few of them have a college degree (which is not to say that you need a college degree to make good choices, but the whole college experience - the hard classes and academic hoops, the adventures and good friends, late nights and conversations - is something I believe can help you make good decisions). These guys receive far more air time and endorsement for bad behavior (look at Chad Ochocinco who sits around and thinks of bad things to do to others - frequently his teammates - so that he gets more attention and time on "SportsCenter" and builds his brand, whatever that means). And here, McNair was great as a professional athlete and seemed to be a great guy and what may have only been one mistake (the mistress/girlfriend) cost him his life and his legacy as one of the rare great guys and paragon of wise decisions for NFL rookies.

Maybe that's not the case and maybe the shock of the incident will fade and with that, the faint tarnish on his legacy... I just hope it fades before the whole thing becomes coated with a film of slime.

Limitless resiliency?

I went on another date that I thought went really well and I was super-excited about this guy... and the day after I let myself imagine the future. Well, a second date. But still, the most forward thinking I've let myself do in a bit. And of course this guy is no longer interested, though he perhaps really does want to be friends. I feel like he's going to say that he can't date me because my life is too together and I'm too far ahead of him (despite the fact that he's older, though he just graduated from college, but hasn't even applied to grad schools in another field I happened to double-major in). I don't want to hear it or deal with it or breathe it or think it.

I hate this. I want to be resilient and the only real way I can move forward is by actually just moving forward without stopping and thinking about everything, mourning possibilities or lamenting the past, and that's by finding new boys to date... but is that a good idea? By not mourning them or just throwing myself a brief pity party (beyond simply reflecting now in writing this), am I limiting my own resilience? Can I only keep up at this pace for so long and then I just won't be able to date? I know I'm sort of anti-clingy and guys seem so surprised that I can have that rather masculine trait too, but maybe in doing that I'm further bottling everything up and limiting my dating endurance. But should I really plan to have to do this for so much longer? Do I want to? I was happy being an island, a nun, whatever we want to call it... the first year of grad school when I didn't even really think about dating. Or was I just content because I didn't see another choice? Can I go back? Do I have to stop looking in order to find anything halfway decent?

I don't know, I'm just feeling frustrated by everything because I finally liked someone and he didn't like me back... the opposite of the crap I've been dealing with so it's frustrating... but it'll all look better in the morning, I'm sure.