Letting Go

The universe continues to test me and this week was no exception. I honestly can't write about it yet because it's pretty raw and unfortunate, but I never went to sleep Tuesday night and I feel sort of like I'm floating through things and it can't all be real... which has all combined to reduce my self-regulatory resources/brain-mouth filter.

The new first years in grad school are here and I've been hanging out with them a lot because I've wanted to be social and not think about things and 2 of the 3 are in my tiny lab (and I genuinely like them a lot)! So they all come in to grad school with lofty goals and ideas and beliefs about how long things like a thesis (en route to a Ph.D. and dissertation) will take, unaware of the numerous other obligations and things that may not be "formal requirements," but that you have to do. But most importantly, they don't know about all the ways in which grad school - in a field of science where you have to conduct an experiment of some sort for your thesis and dissertation - is beyond your control, the things that can go wrong and don't conform to your timeline. And since I am the queen of things beyond my control going wrong, it's getting hard to bite my tongue. I almost said something tonight, but luckily, I think I kept it together and didn't make it too awkward. I've just sort of hinted that you can't always plan for everything, and if you realize that and stop trying to make it work, that can make your life lot more pleasant. I guess it's hard to tell people that those that try to go for it all tend to burnout, aren't the ones who make it at all, and aren't the ones who anyone wants to be friends with or help out in any way.

I think my frustration is also compounded by the fact that I'm part of the group of students - mostly those who came in older than 22 (though I didn't, and never thought I was all that old for my age, except here), that hasn't exactly had an easy path to and through grad school. It's the group of people that isn't still getting a full ride (or significant part of the ride) paid for by mommy and daddy. It's the group of people that have had experience trying to figure out how to make rent... or money to buy food... or have known what it's like to be the only one you can depend on, to be truly alone in the world (because mommy and daddy won't fix it and neither will the husband). And the new grad students are all young and have life going well and have these lofty goals and it's difficult to listen to them without getting defensive. Not that it's impossible, but what do you do? Do you just have to let them discover everything on their own?

Self-Regulation Versus Gossip?!

Earlier this summer I sort of decided that it took too much effort to self-regulate around friends and fellow grad students (mostly because I have to do that enough around professors, at work, with the family) and so I've just been saying what's on my mind for the most part. I like it. It's easier to breathe and function and deal with things, though I know I need to not say absolutely everything... but now I feel like I'm gossiping at times. Expressing dissatisfaction with others and how they might have treated me recently or weird news around the department. I think this problem may be exacerbated by the fact that I'm hanging out with lots of different people and so it's not just confiding in one person.

The problem isn't just that I bring up topics I know might be troublesome, but how do you answer point-blank questions about them? Where is the line between gossip and catharsis? When are you talking about your feelings to think through them and when are you just spreading the word? Is it okay if I don't take pleasure in it? And most importantly, how do I stop? (Because I feel like I only know afterwards when I get a feeling of regret or realize I shouldn't hvae said something AFTER I already said it, so I just want to stop rather than completely understand the line.)