Should Call Them Fraidy-Puppies...

Or scared-y-dogs?

So I'm not a comedienne... who would have guessed?

Tonight I'm giving up sleep because we're experiencing a pretty enormous thunderstorm that, to be fair, is more intimidating than usual. But Bella is freaking out. Seriously FLIPPING OUT and losing it. It's quite pathetic and while I tried to capture the moment for posterity, all I could come up with was this...













Anyone who thinks being a single mom could be fun or they could do it should seriously experience sole custody of a dog. If Bella was human, my sanity would be low enough to land in red terror alert territory...

I'm FAMOUS!

Okay, not really, but I feel famous right now... Valerie has decided to feature my post about being emotionally slutty (a la Carrie Bradshaw) on a project she and some other ladies are working on called "Ladies, Say What You Say." My article is here!

If you go to the homepage, it's a little ways down on the page, but I'm super-excited to see what happens and how people respond...

I also wanted to mention that this is a cool project and I keep noticing new sort of "meta-blogs" or collections of blogs and writers with articles grouped by topics, many of which are aimed at twentysomething women. I find this very exciting. So far the ones I can think of right now include the one listed above, HerFuture (a network on Ning), and ChickSpeak (which is technically supposed to be for girls in college, but whatever, most of it still applies)... do you all know any others?

Twitter has eaten my brain... and spit out the seeds.

I feel bad not blogging recently because I was finally doing well and getting my act together, but somehow I actually have become one of those obnoxious people who seems to have given up on the beauty of the written word and now I just microblog, or Twitter. And since I put my feed up here, I feel like it's somehow okay because it's a sort of update on my life. Even though I usually blog about completely different things from those that I tweet about. I blog about events and how I react to them and feel about them. I tweet what I'm watching on TV or my mood, sans reason. Any of you guys fall into this trap?

Emotionally Slutty

"I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty." -Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City"

In yet another way that the ladies and writers of SATC have managed to describe a uniquely bizarre and unsettling moment in my life, Carrie brought us the idea of being emotionally slutty. I, regularly emotionally retarded (literally, other people learned how to handle emotions and I try to fake it and teach myself), have had moments where I've felt emotionally slutty. Sometimes it's really just because I'm so closed off that any attempts at letting others in make me feel naked, exposed, and I soon feel slutty and regret it.

But recently, I did it again with my recently close male friend. I sort of just told him some of the stuff about my family... I really don't know why. I guess I wanted to see if he had already heard rumors (because he's connected to me through school distantly, but we know mostly the same people) and I wanted to see how he'd react, what he'd say. I guess I also wanted him to know that while I'm normally an emotional mess, I'm particularly weird and messy these days (though I feel like I have to stop using that excuse because all of this stuff has been happening for so long, but at the same time, everything still applies). He reacted well, I think, mostly tried to understand and he did try to make me feel better - I asked for personal details about his life and he complied.

I just feel bad about it and don't know how to fix it. I'm thinking that I don't talk to him for a week and then pretend it never happened... normally I know that's a bad plan, but for now, when I feel like I've already been too open and had too much talk about feelings (because seriously, I want to keep hanging out with him and watch more sports and I want to go on his hikes because girls can't go alone, while guys can and it's tough finding people nowadays). I honestly don't even know if I have a crush on him, but the whole thing is definitely extra-weird because we have become a pseudo-couple and it would be easier for everyone else if we were dating, but I just can't even think about that right now, though I feel like any of that tension is exacerbated by my uncontrollable word vomit.

So, do you guys have any ideas? How do you fix emotionally-slutty-slips? Is there an equivalent to an emotional garbage bag I can wear to turn my feelings into a grab bag of mystery and illusions?

Discovery Channel: Sperm Travels Faster Toward Attractive Females

Apparently females are outwardly choosy (the sexual gate-keepers) while males are the more covert, sneaky ones... I always suspected it!

So what if the study was conducted using some sort of junglefowl (chicken-like bird) - are human males that much more advanced when it comes to mating games? I demand the proof - and trust me, I can provide a very, very long list of names to back up my side of the argument!

Here's the link to the story from the Discovery Channel...

Sense of Justice

"You can't let one bad moment spoil a bunch of good ones." -Dale Earnhardt

Medical examiners and other such professionals have found it acceptable to tell the world that Steve McNair was killed by his girlfriend who then committed suicide. All the signs were there and many had speculated about what really happened before this "official" ruling, but still, the actual announcement of it makes it tangible and sad in a different (more real?) way.

McNair was one of the "good guys" - a pro-athlete who did a lot of charity work because he wanted to, not just to make amends or as part of court-ordered community service. He was a family man and active in the city he played for (well, spent most of his career with). And somehow he's shot by his girlfriend (he is or was married), just hours after she's arrested for DUI in a car that both of them co-own. It's sad and it's sketchy and it does taint the memory of a supposedly great guy...

It makes me sad because I feel like there's already very very little incentive for pro-athletes to do good in the world. The norms for pro-athlete behavior aren't the same as in the real world - pro-athletes are pressured to perform in completely different, measureable ways and they are surrounded with more temptation and money and choices than most of us will ever see and yet few of them have a college degree (which is not to say that you need a college degree to make good choices, but the whole college experience - the hard classes and academic hoops, the adventures and good friends, late nights and conversations - is something I believe can help you make good decisions). These guys receive far more air time and endorsement for bad behavior (look at Chad Ochocinco who sits around and thinks of bad things to do to others - frequently his teammates - so that he gets more attention and time on "SportsCenter" and builds his brand, whatever that means). And here, McNair was great as a professional athlete and seemed to be a great guy and what may have only been one mistake (the mistress/girlfriend) cost him his life and his legacy as one of the rare great guys and paragon of wise decisions for NFL rookies.

Maybe that's not the case and maybe the shock of the incident will fade and with that, the faint tarnish on his legacy... I just hope it fades before the whole thing becomes coated with a film of slime.

Insomnia

From Jorge Cham's Ph.D. Comics (one of the BEST things ever if you're a grad student.)

I just wrote a long, private post of a conversation/letter that I've been planning in my head for the past hour. I continue to get through books at lightning speed too because I literally read for hours at night while trying to fall asleep. I'm working out and working overtime, but seriously, I just can't get my brain to shut off and fall asleep.

Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? Recommendations for hypnosis or non-traumatic head injury that can help?

Seriously, it's getting exhausting and making everything more difficult. I'm not napping because I keep thinking I'm so tired during the day that if I make myself stay up until a decent time to go to sleep for the night, I'll actually go to sleep. But by then, my body seems to think it's the start of second shift and time to wake-up, not rest up...

Unique Thoughts?

"This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing." -Sam, "Garden State"

Sometimes I think the fact that I'm so ADD that I barely ever stop thinking is a good thing, though recently I think it's led me to have all kinds of crazy weird thoughts and led me to ask questions about a lot of stuff that others don't think about. I realized this tonight while talking to a guy friend that I've realized I might have some feelings for (which is a whole other GIGANTIC entry, but really I think it's a convenience crush, where it would just be easier and make everyone else more comfortable if we just declared that we were dating). But basically, during occasional moments of awkward silence, I've asked him some pretty random questions and tonight followed one up asking if he ever thought about these kinds of things, to which he (not surprisingly) said he definitely did not.

So, what are these crazy weird thoughts? Well, my review/rant about "Taken" was part of it. I know everyone else would have just shut off and been able to watch the movie and enjoy the ass kicking and action sequences. Tonight, I asked male friend if he ever thought about one day, if he ever had kids or just interacted with younger people, if they accused him of never being fun or being young and he had to respond, or at least started to think about how that wasn't true (even if he didn't say it out loud), what would he think about? I was recently pondering that while trying to think of some fun adventure to have some time soon... I think it's all ultimately tied to my desire to just think about something else, something new, something that isn't life and death and what I did wrong and why I suck at life. I think that's how I end up pondering the sense of justice that is or isn't restored by a crappy action movie or what adventures I might tell young kids about one day to prove I had a rebellious spirit once upon a time.

So what do you guys think? Do you ponder whether there's a real difference between those who own motorcycles and those who own them AND go to biker bars and biker nights? (My recent theory is yes, a theory supported by the police stops around all the biker bars.) What else do you guys think about that's totally random and you find yourself wondering if anyone has ever thought about this before...?

Beautifying the Blog

Just wanted to apologize for messing with the blog if any of you reading this (all two of you) had issues with your readers or reading entries here because I was messing around with the blog and going through a number of different layouts. I'm going to have to stop playing with it for a bit or I'll drive myself crazy.

Also, at some point soon I'll put up a real bloglist/blogroll and while I actually subscribe to more blogs than those listed here, let me know (via comment or email to meldoesgradschool@gmail.com) if you want to be listed there and hadn't been. And don't take it personally, I've just lost a lot and let things slip through the cracks when I've edited everything...

FML

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow—
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

-"Don't Quit" (Anonymous)


FML. Billionth ticket of the year today... this one not for parking, but speeding. My first speeding ticket. Damn these stupid cops and small town in desperate need of revenue. They keep setting up ridiculous speed traps and just sitting and waiting for locals to get sick of abiding by the two foot stretch where the speed limit drops for no reason (by a good 15mph!) or tourists who don't know any better. I hate this crap. Just when I think I'm successfully juggling all the problems... I think you should be allowed to just announce that you have enough and people should have to leave you alone (or stop demanding to be houseguests or asking for favors).

Seriously, I just can't figure out how to say no anymore... how do you guys say no? Do you just say "NO" and don't give an excuse? Even when it's to friends? Seriously, I just can't participate in another ten hour thesis experiment for someone, go to a Mary Kay party, be an Avon demo, host a sleepover and 5 different houseguests in less than 3 days and not completely lose my mind... so who loses and how can I do it?