"There are things you don't want to learn..."

Musical Chairs

If this entry was an episode of "Friends," it would be called "the one where I attempt to make a Carrie Bradshaw-style statement about relationships" (or something like that)!

I've decided that dating and relationships are a bit like a giant game of musical chairs when you're in your twenties. People that are married and in long-term relationships are like those people who are completely convinced that the music is about to shut off and thus they stand quite close to the chair they want to take and barely circle around it, pretty much squatting over it and barely making any kind of movement.

Meanwhile, being single is like remaining in the game and running around in giant circles because you know that the music isn't going to come to an end, at least not right away and then even if it did, the odds that you'll be the one left out and left alone are honestly not much greater if you continue to keep your head up so you can see what's around you (and even go explore it), and play the game fully than if you decided to do the squat and tiny circle.

Because ultimately, even if you do "settle down" now, that's no real guarantee that you won't be the only one left standing when the music ends...

A Better Mood

"Sometimes people just aren't who you need them to be, at like a certain moment, and unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it." -Grace Manning, "Once and Again"

In a better mood than in my last post... a very, very full week of sports-watching, parties, BBQs, and drinking. Basically, I'm exhausted, but satisfied. I definitely forget that good friends and just hanging out with people who can distract you are an awesome change of pace and really help me forget that life can suck sometimes. Butterflies are nice, but sometimes you do just need friends... even ones that sometimes disappoint you because they don't always (that's why they're still friends... and not everyone can be there for you all the time and maybe you can't do anything about it, but it doesn't mean that these people don't still care about you and aren't doing the best that they can... I tend to forget that very important lesson sometimes too).

Limitless resiliency?

I went on another date that I thought went really well and I was super-excited about this guy... and the day after I let myself imagine the future. Well, a second date. But still, the most forward thinking I've let myself do in a bit. And of course this guy is no longer interested, though he perhaps really does want to be friends. I feel like he's going to say that he can't date me because my life is too together and I'm too far ahead of him (despite the fact that he's older, though he just graduated from college, but hasn't even applied to grad schools in another field I happened to double-major in). I don't want to hear it or deal with it or breathe it or think it.

I hate this. I want to be resilient and the only real way I can move forward is by actually just moving forward without stopping and thinking about everything, mourning possibilities or lamenting the past, and that's by finding new boys to date... but is that a good idea? By not mourning them or just throwing myself a brief pity party (beyond simply reflecting now in writing this), am I limiting my own resilience? Can I only keep up at this pace for so long and then I just won't be able to date? I know I'm sort of anti-clingy and guys seem so surprised that I can have that rather masculine trait too, but maybe in doing that I'm further bottling everything up and limiting my dating endurance. But should I really plan to have to do this for so much longer? Do I want to? I was happy being an island, a nun, whatever we want to call it... the first year of grad school when I didn't even really think about dating. Or was I just content because I didn't see another choice? Can I go back? Do I have to stop looking in order to find anything halfway decent?

I don't know, I'm just feeling frustrated by everything because I finally liked someone and he didn't like me back... the opposite of the crap I've been dealing with so it's frustrating... but it'll all look better in the morning, I'm sure.

The Hit Heard Round the World

As predicted, Derek Fisher's hit on Luis Scola has become a big hit (no pun intended, I swear) on YouTube and seriously, it's worth checking out...

Badass Basketball and [Just Plain Bad] Boys

Quick update on the boy I went out with earlier this week: He pushed to see me again and I didn't like it and he pushed harder and so I told him that we would not be seeing each other again. And apparently this meant that negotiations had begun. Ummm... no. I said we didn't click/weren't a good match because I couldn't really say that he already seemed clingy and immature and not quite emotionally intelligent enough to at least fake it for longer. So he said some nasty things and I was tempted to respond, but ultimately controlled myself and I'm glad that all of it happened - NO regrets in cutting ties with that one and super-super-glad that I did that when I did! Maybe my judgment isn't as terrible as I thought it was (after the guy that worked at BMW that I think I should have gotten an explanation from, but didn't... who just disappeared and made me question my judgment/assessment of situations).

Anyways, I'm writing during a commercial break - Game 2 of the Lakers v. Rockets playoff series and it's pretty amazing. Blatant fouls and ejections, near bench-clearing brawls, tons of turnovers, reading lips for bad words, trying to spot the blood before the refs, big lead changes and comebacks, and just generally an air of excitment and intensity, which leads to some awesome plays and spectacular "jawing" (for lack of a better word... though it seems to fit incredibly well right now). The second half is when it really got good, but only highlights from the first half are up online. I'm imagining the hit that Derek Fisher put on Luis Scola that dropped Scola headfist into the court and was just generally outrageous will be an instant online classic (and for good reason).

Just imagine that this is only the beginning of the awesomeness...

The Next Chapter in the Hunt for Mr. Right [Now]

For those of you who haven't followed this blog or forgot what happens in the embarrassingly long time between posts on the same subject that I have to admit to, I decided to take a more active approach to dating. This has obviously resulted in a number of hilarious and humiliating (and a few somewhat heartbreaking) moments and trials. Due in large part to the last "h" listed, I took a little break from dating for a bit and went back to my old stranger-danger and sweatpant scare tactics to discourage any potential suitors. But now that school's out, I decided it was time to get back on the horse (so to speak).

And thus, I present date #1 of this summer: a guy with a job who is from up north, but has very little education and lives with his parents. That last part is freaking me out already. He's a big sports fan and we do seem to get along fairly well, though I'm not sure I feel any real sparks. I hate it, but I know my tendency is to drag it out for longer because it's something to do and possibly get a little excited about and then I just want to postpone breaking it off... I go back and forth because I know it's not always love at first sight, but I don't want to lead anyone on. But then I know that it takes time to get to know someone and that the superficial things can change and so they don't matter. And I don't really know that it won't work out, not if I actually try to make it work...

In a lot of ways, I'm just really on the fence about it and I hate that feeling - there are some people that I know right away are a "yes" and then there are some "no" guys, but what do you do with the in-between guys? Enjoy a few more dates and then make a decision?

I've honestly changed my mind approximately 7 times today and am ultimately glad I didn't act on any of those "decisions." What do you guys think? When do you cut your losses and when do you invest more?

And a note: When looking for some kind of image or something clever to post with this entry, I found some articles on girls hooking up v. having relationships (written from a variety of perspectives, from how women judge men's faces and their attractiveness based up on how interested in children he appears to be to an investigation of the shunning of real relationships by young women). This has led me to wonder if I should read this book by Laura Sessions Stepp called Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both. I searched for this book online and there seems to be a lot of backlash against this writer and her seeming crusade to protect virginity and abstinence, but there also seems to be some interesting literature about the changing sexuality of young women. I think some of this is going to have to be added to my summer reading list...

And I Win... (at life)!

Done for the semester FINALLY!

I survived one big part of the gauntlet necessary to go from Masters to Ph.D. - the stats class I took this semester. (That goes along with taking comprehensive exams and the dissertation.) One down (ironically before I finish my Masters) and it feels good. I'm definitely more relieved than I thought I'd be. I was honestly so mentally and physically exhausted as this was definitely the hardest class I've ever taken, or at least hardest that's ever counted for so much (get a D or lower and you're out of the program, get a C and that has to be the last one of you career since you only get one and I haven't used mine yet) and honestly, I'm guessing I got a B, and I hope so, but even if I got the C, I'm just so glad it's over. I learned a lot, but who can keep up at that pace? The projects people turned in before this exam completely filled 3-in 3-ring binders! And some people had theirs professionally bound. Damn brown-nosing M.B.A. students (seriously, I'm not stereotyping, it said M.B.A. student on the cover).