Thoughts on Some Damn Good Football

So I frequently have long dialogues about/while watching football... sadly these are all with Bella or just yelled out loud, but I figured I should share them. So, thoughts on the early game -

• Cincy @ Pitt was an incredible INCREDIBLE game! Kind of makes up for the fact that I really don't feel like I've seen many good, memorable college football games this season.
• It's a bad sign when the most memorable college football games have been blown calls by SEC officials... and that's pretty much definitely what I'll be remembering in future years and I've watched an enormous amount of football.
• ESPN did a good job choosing to put Cincy on Thursday and Friday nights rather frequently. I don't think I would have been a fan of theirs or been excited to see how much they can do without those game times.
• ESPN (and ESPN on ABC) did a remarkably good job with human interest stories related to Cincy (throughout the season and today) and Pitt (I can only say today's was pretty good). I really began to like Cincy when they profiled Kelly and talked about what he was fighting for with contract negotiations - it's a ton of stuff for his coaches and his team. Cincy is one of two Division I schools that basically only practices outside on the main field and has no other alternative (no practice fields, and whatever inside facilities they need don't exist).
• They maybe went a bit far with some of the human interest stuff - talking about a player's mom who is recovering from drug addiction... it helped to explain why a certain player is a great story and why he was raised by his grandfather and why it's so sweet and incredible that he desperately wants to go to the NFL to buy things and improve his grandfather's quality of life.
• But they've gone a lot farther and with much less class, so at least they're improving (think Terry Bradshaw and the Sugar Bowl a few years ago when even his co-anchors/broadcasters were embarrassed).
• In the NFL, when it's really cold (or just a little cold and some overpaid whiners want a blankie), there are giant warm coats, little heaters, and people holding up shields from the wind... why couldn't they come up with coats for the Big East players? (Marcus Gilyard was shaking and teeth chattering and holding himself and jumping around trying to stay/keep warm.)
• Not okay to follow players into the tunnel in defeat... after they've lost and if they manage to get to the tunnel to show their emotions, leave them alone. Maybe it's different in the NFL when they're adults and being paid to play. But some of these guys are 18 years old and if they've done the right thing by going to a private area, you should not follow and broadcast it. Showing the coach - fine, he's a grown up and this is his job. But it's kind of like animals in a zoo that can go to a little area when they don't want to be looked at or have kids tapping glass or whatever. You don't then follow then into their little private areas and expect them to let you pet them and everything to be fine. You just don't...

Losing Myself

(Image from http://www.friendsacrossamerica.com/)

Sometimes - especially around the holidays - I pause to wonder whether I'm losing myself. While most people enjoy some family time (or at least most people my age), I mostly dread it and now, more than ever, I find myself pulled in every direction. I spend so much time trying to fix things and make things better for everyone in my family AND trying to finish up the semester and do everything for my boss(es) and for group projects that I sometimes wonder what I'm supposed to be doing or what I would really like to do - not just what everyone expects me to do.

Maybe the rest of the world doesn't experience this or lose themselves quite like I have a tendency to, and as I get older I suppose I'm more aware of this and more apt to remind myself that it's okay to think about myself. I guess I just thought about it a lot today as I realized I had a lot of work to do before Monday - including a final exam Monday night (but seriously, who does that?!) - and I'm exhausted, but haven't even gotten much of "my" work done. Instead of helped do house repairs and keep the parents updated while they've been in another hemisphere, I've shopped for presents and groceries, stocked the fridge and the pantry, loaned out my car and cleaned up a ton of stuff. It's tough and I have to drive back tomorrow and cram like nobody's business because I really don't know what's happening with that exam. But at least I'm going back to my own little sanctuary, with my dog and my own work and problems and issues to take care of... and if everything's not perfect here, well, I just have to let it go. Even if it feels a bit selfish.

Why I LOVE October

October is obviously the best month of the year and now that it's almost over (seriously, how did that happen?), I figured I'd better put together my little list of reasons why I love it before it's over...

1. Baseball postseason - NLCS, ALCS, and the World Series

2. Start of the NBA season

3. NFL season in full swing...

• 3b. Fantasy football fun!

• 3c. Sundays no longer suck!

4. College Football season!

5. Fall colors and leaves and autumn gorgeousness

6. Cool enough to be comfortable outside [without serious risk of heatstroke (even in the deep south), but not so cold you risk frostbite]

7. Tailgating!

8. Apple cider and hot chocolate with marshmallows

9. Pumpkin everything - pumpkin patches and carving, roasted pumpkin seeds, pumpkin ale, pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie... yummm!

10. You get to finish it all up with Halloween - a holiday synonymous with candy, cute little kids that you only have to see before they get overly full of sugar, and dressing however the hell you want!

Thoughts on Brazen Careerist's Controversial Tweets

In case you haven't seen it on CNN, AOL, or any of about a thousand blogs, Penelope Trunk of Brazen Careerist fame recently tweeted about a miscarriage she was having at work and her relief that she would not be forced to drive to Chicago (from Wisconsin) to have an abortion (tweet featured above). Like or love it, hate it or feel disgusted by it, she's garnered a lot of attention because of it (and here's her blog entry about it, with the CNN interview). There are a number of complex issues involved here - personal thoughts on abortion, ideas about admitting something so private in the most public way, general beliefs about discussing something rather taboo... unfortunately, it seems that a lot of people (or at least those who feel the most compelled to comment the most frequently and the loudest) are focused on the abortion part, and their own personal feelings about it, as well as their own beliefs about a woman who would want an abortion.

I'm not saying that I agree with Penelope Trunk or her actions - either wanting an abortion or tweeting about her miscarriage at work - I don't think it matters, but I think that's a copout, so I'll admit that honestly, I feel pretty uncomfortable with it, but I feel compelled to defend her right to say it. Reading some of the comments posted on her web site - presumably comments written to Penelope herself! - I was absolutely horrified, outraged, and disgusted by people who would say such things. The irony that these people want to clean up the internet yet spew such hatred and awfulness seems to be lost on most of them.

I think David at The Rest Is Still Unwritten did a great job writing about this whole situation and the importance of discussing taboo and difficult topics, even revealing a lot about himself in the process. I think it's important not to lose sight of the fact that this forces us to think about a number of different issues and confront some interesting ideas that might not mesh with our own beliefs, and some issues that are only now relevant given the advances of technology that would allow someone to tweet at work, while having a miscarriage, and reach millions.

I posted this on Tumblr a few days ago when I first saw comments from these hateful people, but I felt that it was worth posting about the whole situation here because it continues to blow my mind...

Nature, Nurture, & Gestalt Psych in Football

The Pouncey Twins of UF

For some reason today I was thinking about the advantages of having a sort of "sixth sense" for your teammates in football and just being aware of one another and how that can make such a huge difference - between mediocre and pretty darn good and between good and great. Then for some reason I connected this to the advantages that siblings have in tennis when they play as doubles partners. Siblings that grew up together, have known each other their entire lives, that have practiced together more than apart... they just seem to "get" each other and have a sense of chemistry that's nearly impossible to develop without the nature and nurture ties. I'm thinking of the Williams sisters and the Bryan brothers in tennis.

But then I started to think about how this might translate to football and if there were any examples in football and I thought of Pouncey twins at Florida and then the Williams brothers for the Minnesota Vikings (both defensive tackles). There aren't that many other prominent examples right now, and unfortunately, it's not that easy to narrow down searches to brothers who have played football together (at least not without letting myself spend five hours looking). It's funny how that doesn't seem to be something anyone's really considered, yet so many broadcasters talk about guys who have a sixth sense for teammates and the position of the ball and yet we've ignored the obvious advantage of these blood connections and how valuable they can... and perhaps more importantly (or at least fascinatingly), what happens if we split these pairings? I think you'd lose a tremendous amount... at least for the brothers in football. You'd lose the symbiotic relationship, the whole as more than the sum of its parts-phenomena. Not that the Pouncey twins or the Williams brothers wouldn't be good without each other, but I don't think they'd come up with some of the plays they do without the other one. Just look at the Horton brothers at USC (Southern Cal, the other USC) - one switched positions AND transferred to play with the other!

It's interesting to think about what will happen with the Pouncey twins, as it's difficult to imagine that they could be drafted together, that one would last an entire round and you would have to make a trade pretty early to get two picks together to get them (otherwise you'd have one twin and everyone else would know you have the other and be able to squeeze you for a lot to get the other one... well, "a lot" being relative to what draft round the twins go in).

Just something interesting to think about, a new thought on nature and nurture combined with some Gestalt psychology for this autumn Saturday full of college football!

Google Account Issues

I apologize for the extreme lack of posting recently... I've had major technological issues. Mainly logging out of my real-person, school/work Gmail account and into this one in order to post. But I finally got in... I've written some entries that I haven't posted and at some point, I'll try to get those up here. But does anyone know what the deal with Gmail is recently? We've had the two major Gmail crashes and then I've had lingering issues... anyone know what's up? (Beyond the "official statements" and promises that everything is back to normal...)

I continue to post to Tumblr and some on Twitter though...

Two Notes

Two notes and thoughts from tonight -

Even though Clemson lost by 3 points tonight, the rush of that comeback reminded me why I love football and why I spend months pining away for it to begin again. The incredible high of watching one of your guy come down with the ball when height, weight, and physics say he'll be overmatched, the thrill of an inconceivable comeback. Even in defeat, the highs were pretty darn high. And I didn't even have to get off the couch (well, technically I did go over and watch with a bunch of friends, but I didn't personally have to face multiple 300+ pound linebackers trying to crush me for more than 3 hours).

I keep reading random stuff about sleep patterns, night owls and early birds, etc. because I seem to have the weirdest sleep schedule ever. I used to be able to nap and be a normal person and now I end up with weird insomnia at times and then occasionally survive quite happily for 2 weeks with an average of 3 hours a night. So, anyways, I saw this Scientific American article that claims that night owls actually get a nice performance/alertness boost 10ish hours after waking up, while early birds do NOT get a boost! Ha! Awesomeness. Obviously this doesn't explain my sleep patterns and who knows how much to trust it, but it's exciting, if only for the placebo effect it provides.

Final List: Movies & DVDs from the Summer

On a related note, these are the movies and TV on DVD I managed to watch this summer (sadly, this is as current as I'll be until next May)...

Final List: Books from this Summer

Now that summer's over, I figure it's time to take down the slideshow sidebars I've had up all summer with my wishlist and list of books to read as well as those detailing books I did read and movies I read. But, in order to make myself feel like I was productive, I'm keep them here for posterity's sake... this is the final list of books I read this summer -

Rude People and Below-the-Belt-Commentary

"Do you ever feel like nothing's going right?
And do you ever feel like you've got nowhere to go,
But you tell yourself you can't quite let go,
I really hope that there's something more,
'Cause I feel I don't have much to show,
Worth anything in my life, worth anything in my life...
But there is hope in the pain,
Hope in my tears,
And even my shame,
And I have hope in my doubts,
And hope in my faults,
Even in my fear."
-from Ryan Calhoun's "Hope"

So the song is a bit dramatic, but I searched for a particular quote I had in mind and couldn't find it and I had to give up on that for the time being.

Just wanted to express my frustration with certain 'friends' and classmates who continue to feel entitled to say just about whatever they want. Obviously I'm more tired than usual and it's been a very, very rough two-ish weeks for me, and most of them at least kind of know that it's been difficult. And yet, one of them, who has honestly been the closest to me for a lot of the time I've been in grad school and who is the most like me of anyone, continues to feel entitled to continue to make comments about me being single and being the only one not married, etc. It's not the same as announcing that you're married or talking to someone about that - marriage is much more of a choice than being single, at least for people living in a small town with a horrific dating track record/history with some really scary people in the rearview mirror. But regardless of my marital status and how okay I am with it (because I really am okay with it, it was NEVER my intention to get married at 22 and I do believe that individuals should date more than one person over the course of a lifetime), it's just not okay to point this out and repeatedly announce that someone is the only person not married and time is ticking.

Who are you? My mother? How do you think you have any right to say this to me? When I informed you that it was not appropriate or appreciated, was that not enough of a hint? Do you need to make yourself feel better about your decision to get married very early (because that is somewhat unusual in academia, no matter how small a town in the Deep South we live in)?

It's just really frustrating because it's so hurtful and such crappy timing... and I just needed to blog about it, to share this experience with people that potentially get it. Or just to write it and remind myself that it is ridiculous and outrageous and most definitely, not okay.

Letting Go

The universe continues to test me and this week was no exception. I honestly can't write about it yet because it's pretty raw and unfortunate, but I never went to sleep Tuesday night and I feel sort of like I'm floating through things and it can't all be real... which has all combined to reduce my self-regulatory resources/brain-mouth filter.

The new first years in grad school are here and I've been hanging out with them a lot because I've wanted to be social and not think about things and 2 of the 3 are in my tiny lab (and I genuinely like them a lot)! So they all come in to grad school with lofty goals and ideas and beliefs about how long things like a thesis (en route to a Ph.D. and dissertation) will take, unaware of the numerous other obligations and things that may not be "formal requirements," but that you have to do. But most importantly, they don't know about all the ways in which grad school - in a field of science where you have to conduct an experiment of some sort for your thesis and dissertation - is beyond your control, the things that can go wrong and don't conform to your timeline. And since I am the queen of things beyond my control going wrong, it's getting hard to bite my tongue. I almost said something tonight, but luckily, I think I kept it together and didn't make it too awkward. I've just sort of hinted that you can't always plan for everything, and if you realize that and stop trying to make it work, that can make your life lot more pleasant. I guess it's hard to tell people that those that try to go for it all tend to burnout, aren't the ones who make it at all, and aren't the ones who anyone wants to be friends with or help out in any way.

I think my frustration is also compounded by the fact that I'm part of the group of students - mostly those who came in older than 22 (though I didn't, and never thought I was all that old for my age, except here), that hasn't exactly had an easy path to and through grad school. It's the group of people that isn't still getting a full ride (or significant part of the ride) paid for by mommy and daddy. It's the group of people that have had experience trying to figure out how to make rent... or money to buy food... or have known what it's like to be the only one you can depend on, to be truly alone in the world (because mommy and daddy won't fix it and neither will the husband). And the new grad students are all young and have life going well and have these lofty goals and it's difficult to listen to them without getting defensive. Not that it's impossible, but what do you do? Do you just have to let them discover everything on their own?

Why I Love Football

I just watched part of this season's "Hard Knocks" which features the Cincinnati Bengals (or Bungles, as the case may be... felons doesn't quite fit as well or I'd use that nickname, for sure). It just reminded me why I absolutely freakin' love football. The intricacy and details, the number of variables that have to come together to create the perfect play - timing, athleticism, play calling, guessing, instinct, luck... it's truly incredible. Even miraculous that some of these plays can ever come together. To think about how many people are working to make these things come together blows my mind. And makes it like a sort of acrobatic display of athleticism. Like a giant spectacular show in Vegas where everything is choreographed and overwhelming and you only see the tip of the iceberg...

Tumbling into the New Semester

I really do apologize for neglecting this blog a bit, but school's starting back and the first big professional deadline of the year is rapidly approaching - in less than 20 days and that means I'm in quite the mess. But this is also because I've really gotten into Tumblr... the fact that you have tumblarity that tracks how popular you and your posts are and that you can influence and see where you rank in terms of that popularity is somehow addictive. At least for now. Plus, I don't have to log out of my professional Google account to post something quickly, so it's a time-saver (I'm looking at it that way rather than as yet another time vampire that force me to search the internet for cool things to post).

Good luck with classes and school for those of you still there (entering the 23rd grade and such)!

Popular

"I’ll help you be popular! You’ll hang with the right cohorts. You’ll be good at sports, know the slang you’ve got to know. So let’s start, ‘cause you’ve got an awfully long way to go..." -"Popular" from "Wicked" (the musical)

I know I should be grateful that so many people want to be my friend and that several of them are willing to go pretty far to make it seem like we are truly BFFs (keyword being "seem"), but for now, it's very frustrating. Seriously, more than two weeks before school started, three people had asked to co-host a party with me! And I'm not a planner and usually these guys aren't! If an invite hadn't gone out (with the first person to pressure me to make a decision), I think there would be more offers. Like one from the person who threw a party with me last year at the beginning of the school year. My favorite part is of course that these people like to invite others and act like hosts, except for the part where they do any work other than sending out invites and taking credit. To be fair, it's all been at my apartment, so it would be somewhat awkward to do all that much more, though I certainly wouldn't stop them!

It's just that it seems really obvious that several people want to make statements to everyone else in the program, letting everyone know that I'm their closest friend, that we have a solid bond that cannot be broken by any future events. My parties aren't that much more fun than anything else, other people live in my apartment complex and could use the pool here... and this behavior happens with more than just activities and parties. There was the game that existed my first year of grad school where I always lost as people tried to prove they knew me the best - essentially sharing more and more of my secrets to prove they knew me better. That was a great time...

I know that they don't mean anything negative and I should feel flattered, but I just think that it's much more about the alignment or group of personality types in this program. Most of them are very, very dominant, sort of alpha-females. And I am not. I'm fine with someone else taking the lead, or even getting credit for my work (as long as it's not a paper I slaved over or something big). To me, it's almost never worth fighting about and I don't want to be the leader just to be the leader. I don't like decisions. And so it's sort of that all of these people are competing to get the one sort of "follower" on their teams, thus making them the dominating force. Maybe I'm overly cynical and maybe multiple people just feel close to me because I tend to hang out with anyone and everyone, rather than sticking to one group (and so multiple people legitimately feel like my best friend and closest ally), or maybe they all just want to get into this eclectic group and get to know everyone as well as I do. Or maybe I'm just fun to host parties with.

It's just that it's surprisingly lonely being this "popular" (if I can even call it that... I swear, it's just for lack of a better word, I'm not trying to sound like a spoiled brat and the idea that this could sound like that bothers me immensely, but I want to write more than I want to be frustrated with that). Ultimately, despite the number of people calling and emailing and texting and messaging me, when bad stuff happens and I need some real emotional support, I don't really feel all that comfortable calling any of them. I'll tell them later, when the emotion passes, but I just can't confide in any of them. At least not now and I don't even really know why....

Tumblr!

After a ridiculous week of friends, fun, and sun, I'm recovering a bit (finally) and made another exciting discovery (a term I'm using quite loosely here as I think everyone in the world has already discovered it, but just in case)... Tumblr! I just got there, so add me, check it all out, and help me learn the ropes! (And subscribe!)

Fabulous New Site to Increase Your Vocab!

I just discovered this incredibly fun and awesomely informative new web site - WordSpy - which covers all kinds of fun new pop-culture words. This isn't just Word of the Day meets SAT prep. Entries include new words used in the New York Times, the beginning of the phrase "Quarterlife Crisis," as well as things like "Idaho Stop" (when you don't come to a complete stop at a stop sign) or "intexticated" (when you are preoccupied by texting, particularly when driving).

I LOVE new words and throwing them around in conversation and I never dreamed there was a site like this - more reliable, academic, clean and organized than Urban Dictionary, yet extensive and helpful. I'm such a nerd that I'm actually excited to start working these into conversations and my lexicon!

Self-Regulation Versus Gossip?!

Earlier this summer I sort of decided that it took too much effort to self-regulate around friends and fellow grad students (mostly because I have to do that enough around professors, at work, with the family) and so I've just been saying what's on my mind for the most part. I like it. It's easier to breathe and function and deal with things, though I know I need to not say absolutely everything... but now I feel like I'm gossiping at times. Expressing dissatisfaction with others and how they might have treated me recently or weird news around the department. I think this problem may be exacerbated by the fact that I'm hanging out with lots of different people and so it's not just confiding in one person.

The problem isn't just that I bring up topics I know might be troublesome, but how do you answer point-blank questions about them? Where is the line between gossip and catharsis? When are you talking about your feelings to think through them and when are you just spreading the word? Is it okay if I don't take pleasure in it? And most importantly, how do I stop? (Because I feel like I only know afterwards when I get a feeling of regret or realize I shouldn't hvae said something AFTER I already said it, so I just want to stop rather than completely understand the line.)

New Theory on Blink, Psychics, and Dream Interpretation

"Intuition strikes me as a concept we use to describe emotional reactions, gut feelings--thoughts and impressions that don't seem entirely rational. But I think that what goes on in that first two seconds is perfectly rational. It's thinking--its just thinking that moves a little faster and operates a little more mysteriously than the kind of deliberate, conscious decision-making that we usually associate with thinking.'" -Malcolm Gladwell, about Blink

I feel the need to disclose that I've never really been much for psychics and the supernatural and anything related to it - somehow after Miss Cleo went to prison, it all lost its luster for me. However, throughout my life various people have claimed to have psychic connections to me or that I had a powerful aura or some other penchant towards the supernatural. I've always dismissed it despite being exposed to far more people with some sort of psychic claim than most people (most of these people having been my mom's friends or general family friends and connections). I'm an academic, I went to a school heavily dominated by those going to med school or concentrating in engineering... the typical background for a cynic/non-believer/empiricist.

So last week when I had a weird feeling about my parents dog and then had a couple of dreams about her, I wasn't necessarily all that worried. I started to have insomnia again, but figured that was more a result of the unpleasant content than because I actually believed it was all true... but nonetheless, last week I told my mom I'd had these worries and at one point even texted my mom to ask if Wilma was okay, figuring that if I got a text back from her at 3am (when I texted), that she was awake and something was wrong... and if there was radio silence, I was golden. No response and I figured I was in the clear. But I had this bad feeling/bad dream a time or two more and various meetings were canceled and timing happened to work out that last week was one of the least busy I've had in awhile, so I figured I'd take a road trip to Atlanta and see Wilma nad my parents. Turns out, Wilma got sick right after I freaked the first time, but the vet thought it was just a sinus infection made worse by her existing cancer and radiation... my parents more or less told me about this and I relaxed, but then when timing worked out and I was just feeling weird about everything anyways, I told my parents I'd be home that day and my mom confessed that Wilma was in emergency surgery... so, long story short (or shorter, because trust me, these weird feelings and such could be discussed for much longer), I had feelings about an event and they turned out to be scary accurate, despite a lack of knowledge of the events.

I'm most definitely NOT claiming to have any psychic powers or anything along those lines, and in fact, think that I've come up with a new idea/theory about how existing research and ideas can explain this phenomena in a fairly rational, empirical way. I was thinking about affective forecasting and general "gut instinct" research - namely that from Malcolm Gladwell's Blink - and how humans can make very good decisions with gut instinct and without conscious thought in split seconds (you can read more about it here, in an interview with the author, among other places - it's a pretty popular pop psychology book). However, the caveat is that we make good decisions when we have enough experience and background knowledge that we can subconsciously evaluate those experiences and combine them to make predictions and assess potential outcomes. Thus, we are good at gut feelings and split-second decisions when we are "experts" in the situation or field of the decision - such as the CEO of a company who has been in his position for ten years and he has a feeling about a particular business decision. But, we are not good when we don't have the experiences and knowledge to evaluate the situation - even if we don't know we could have this knowledge or that we have this knowledge in the "expert" situation. For example, a new CEO with little experience in the field/company might not be able to make good decisions using a "gut instinct" because he cannot think back to similar situations he has experienced or knowledge he has about the people and situation and use those to subconsciously evaluate alternatives.

So what does this have to do with being psychic? Well, I think that it's this sort of subconscious decision-making and evaluating that happened to me/for me/within me. I knew Wilma was sick and that things had been happening and my parents were being evasive about everything and so my subconsious was simply telling me to go home and visit Wilma because she was sick and is terminal, not necessarily because anything specific was happening to her. The fact that these feelings and additional bad events overlapped is coincidence. And odds are that bad things have and will continue to happen to poor Wilma because she has terrible luck and because she has had a terrible reaction to the radiation. And the fact that any of this was connected to dreams is just more evidence that the subconscious is involved. After all, one theory of dreams and states of consciousness is that we simply explore various ideas and thoughts from the unconscious/subconscious mind while we sleep... sometimes playing with ideas in a sort of working of the Rubik's cube. And that's what happened here...

Maybe I'm just freaked out about this because my mom is so convinced that I have some sort of psychic vision or connection to Wilma and that clashes with both my personal beliefs about the universe and what is real and tangible as well as my very self-concept (as an empiricist, rational person... mostly devoid of and inept with feelings). But nonetheless, am I making a big leap so I can sleep at night? Is this theory even remotely plausible or legitimate?

Every new beginning...

...comes from some other beginning's end. (I'm feeling the Semisonic today, apparently.)

Just got back from a graduation party for the girl who I would probably call my best friend here in grad school. She's decided to stop at her Masters rather than staying on for the Ph.D., so that's a whole other interesting decision that I have weird and conflicting feelings about (because it is weird when you don't make that same decision and experience a mix of jealousy and some terror for her because her future is so uncertain in these economic times), but she's been gone this summer for an internship and moved out a the beginning of the summer, so she really has been gone. But still, somehow it's more final now. She might take a job only 4 hours away from us, but she might end up about 20 hours away.

It's hard to say good-bye with so much uncertainty and sadly, a lot unsaid on my part. I'm not sure she knows that I would really consider her my closest friend here. Another girl would probably tell everyone/has told everyone that we're best friends and done her best to create that impression, but the reality is that my friend currently leaving is the one I trusted more, spent more time with, was more consistent and there for me when I needed her (as opposed to when it was convenient or just when she thought she'd get to learn information about me that I kept private, thus helping her convince all others that the two of us were BFFs). I feel some weirdness that I haven't told her that or done a better job of that and I know that in large part I've just been distracted by my family stuff and so I haven't held myself to the same standards of living/etiquette/relationships that I have previously, but sometimes I wonder if I just the family as an excuse for my failures or "almost good enough" attempts at various pursuits.

And it's not that I can't tell her this information, but it's still just sad for me... and all of these realizations are hitting me hard. I'm not sure even I knew that she was really my closest friend here because it doesn't occur to me to think like that, to rank order people or compare them like that. But I did this afternoon when I was around both of them and lots of others in the program and it just sucks. It hurts. I'm annoyed with myself for not realizing this sooner, but again, know that I just need to move forward, do better from this point and that the two of us are going to start research-based blog or column that bridges the practitioner/academic gap and makes us world famous... thus earning me the money to get to the "more money than sense" level and allowing me to build a mansion complete with outdoor pool where you can swim and float and drink AND watch a TV with sports on (so now I could be out in the pool with a daiquiri watching the Yankees-Sox game right now.

RIP John Hughes

As you've no doubt heard, John Hughes died today at the age of 59. In some ways this is more bizarre and strange to me than MJ's death. I guess it's just that MJ always seemed older while John Hughes wrote for such a young audience when I was young that I feel like should be closer to my age. Or maybe it's just that his movies helped me understand myself and my world in ways that MJ's music, in all its glory and as much as I loved a lot of it, never could.

And so, in honor of John Hughes, the slideshow of movies he brought us that I particularly loved, and a really interesting take on a way that Hughes has affected cultural ideas: a story on bellaSugar about "How John Hughes Made Quirky Girls the Most Beautiful."

Think Good Thoughts

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." -Ambrose Redmoon

For my dog/my parents' dog, Wilma. I say my dog because she was always mine, we got her in 5th grade from the pound and I've loved her ever since. She was technically mine and I took care of her forever, but my dad claimed I abandoned her by going to college and so I couldn't have her back when I got done with college and had room for her. But now I'm making emergency trips to Atlanta, the first one because my parents thought they were going to have to put her to sleep and again now because I had a bad feeling something had happened to her and my parents were extremely evasive about it...

She has nasal cancer (her snout is all cancerous tumors) and an abscess on her snout ruptured, which was good because it relieved pressure, but bad because it blew up everywhere... so Wilma had emergency surgery and apparently cancer has eaten away a lot of her skull and it's all grown back even though they just removed it a few weeks ago. So now Wilma is home, but continuing to struggling to breathe and continuing to have issues eating and walking and everything else. It's obvious she's in a lot of pain and it's awful to watch, but I can't bear to think about what's happening slowly and when anything might happen and what the future holds. I hate that this has happened to my family because this whole thing is more complicated than it seems and basically now my parents are questioning their own decisions in treating Wilma and doing radiation on the cancer (because Wilma is part of the 10% with a bad reaction to it) and we are all just dealing with so much. I can't believe this and how awful it all is...

I feel like I should write more and I sort of want to, but I'm not letting myself think about anything too much. Why dread what hasn't happened is my sort of motto for now. That and the need to keep it together because Wilma needs a lot of care right now... and I just wanted you all to be thinking good thoughts for her (me and Wilma and Bella would be very grateful as Bella has been very worried about Wilma).

Cool Stuff for the Blog...

(If only she could figure out how to blog without getting out of the blankets, Bella would have a MUCH more active blog than I ever could...)

Recently I've had some down time between getting manuscripts and drafts and papers and research out... so I've been exploring various blog-related tools and am desperately hoping you guys have some thoughts and opinions about your favorites and some suggestions. Here's what I've tried AND liked (complete with links)-

• Link Within - those little boxes at the end of each entry with thumbnails and titles; basically it's a widget that helps readers find old posts they might like after reading the current post (so your old entries get some love AND your blog looks prettier). Super-easy to do, takes less than a minute and no account necessary!
• Blog Catalog - a sort of directory for blogs. While I wasn't sure where to put my blog and I may not have my full privileges in the community yet, it's already helped me discover new and interesting blogs AND I've found lots of 2osbs on there!
• JS Kit Comments - required when you get the listing on the Blog Catalog, this is sort of like Google Analytics or StatCounter for your comments.
• Kaboodle - lets you make lots of wishlists and shopping lists that can be divided up by section. You can connect to friends, make collages of items, and store items with prices and information about them so you can find them later...
• Playlist - lets you make lots and lots of playlists and post them to your blog without forcing you to find the song and upload it and deal with lots of legal things.
• Young Professionals Blog Aggregator (or YP Blogs) - like Blog Catalog and 20sb, a directory of young professionals and their blogs.
• Be Funky - sort of like the special effects used in PhotoBooth on recent Macs, it lets you Warholize, Cartoonize, Inkify, Charcoalize your photos and more... very easy and totally free!

So what are your favorite networks, directories, aggregators, comment services, list making tools, utilities, photo art and storage sites, group blogs...?

Swing Vote (Spoiler Alert - sort of...)

Finally watched "Swing Vote" tonight - the movie with Kevin Costner, where he somehow gets to cast the only vote necessary to decide the next American president. MUCH more of a tearjerker than I thought it would be or was prepared for... but it reminded me of some things:

• That sometimes it's important to cut off the happy ending entirely and end the story where the important point is rather than where the audience expects.
• That underdog stories can truly touch your heart... even if they leave you wondering whether you want to see a forced, contrived happy ending or if you can handle not being given a real sense of hope that life gets better and justice is served.
• That everyone makes mistakes, even the polished professionals, and you just have to do your best to try to make it best.

Particularly emotional night after an ESPN story about a high school wrestler who walked at his high school graduation with the help of his blind best friend and prosthetic legs. Throw in Calvin Borel winning another race and I'm a sniveling mess... though this is most definitely NOT this year's cry.

(It only counts if I cry about my life and NOT at a sad movie or TV show, though I obviously try to avoid those too - don't want the tear ducts to suddenly remember how things work....)

Commonalities in Hardship

I've had multiple conversations about this recently and I think I've been particularly interest because of my scholarly interest in resilience (and related constructs such as hardiness, psychological capital, etc.) as well as in finding benefits from having experienced stressful and/or traumatic experiences, so I figured I'd write about it here and see what you guys thought...

Basically, I was talking to a fellow grad student that I like a lot and we were talking about how we both tend to really like and be friends with other people who have had something terrible happen to them or have had to overcome something. Those are the types of people we feel most comfortable relating to and sharing problems with and those that just "get" us. It was then easy for us to generate examples of people that we didn't like - some of them mutually disliked grad students - who have everything handed to them. Those most despised frequently try to explain that they do have problems, like when they spent their monthly allowance too quickly or didn't get to go to both South Africa and Ireland (just one). They oftentimes tell this to people like me and my friend who struggle to pay for everything on our own and have for the better part of a decade.

So my question is this: Are we (some of us) attracted to others who have overcome something because they are simply similar to us (like is attracted to like, birds of a feather flock together), which is a well-established psychology principle? Or is it that the experience of overcoming something fundamentally alters your personality and viewpoint in some way? As in, suddenly getting a C on a test seems like no big deal because you're trying to make rent this month OR you feel like you can confide and trust someone who knows what it is to struggle, to be less than perfect... And to that point, does the size of the obstacle we overcome matter? Because the truth is that we are all individuals and we do experience situations differently (all of us don't react the same way to the same situation) and thus, might it take different size obstacles to yield the same results? Is there a basic threshold or minimum level of difficulty needed to get to the point where you are more laidback and accepting of others or just reap the benefit of hardship?

So what do you think?

Should Call Them Fraidy-Puppies...

Or scared-y-dogs?

So I'm not a comedienne... who would have guessed?

Tonight I'm giving up sleep because we're experiencing a pretty enormous thunderstorm that, to be fair, is more intimidating than usual. But Bella is freaking out. Seriously FLIPPING OUT and losing it. It's quite pathetic and while I tried to capture the moment for posterity, all I could come up with was this...













Anyone who thinks being a single mom could be fun or they could do it should seriously experience sole custody of a dog. If Bella was human, my sanity would be low enough to land in red terror alert territory...

I'm FAMOUS!

Okay, not really, but I feel famous right now... Valerie has decided to feature my post about being emotionally slutty (a la Carrie Bradshaw) on a project she and some other ladies are working on called "Ladies, Say What You Say." My article is here!

If you go to the homepage, it's a little ways down on the page, but I'm super-excited to see what happens and how people respond...

I also wanted to mention that this is a cool project and I keep noticing new sort of "meta-blogs" or collections of blogs and writers with articles grouped by topics, many of which are aimed at twentysomething women. I find this very exciting. So far the ones I can think of right now include the one listed above, HerFuture (a network on Ning), and ChickSpeak (which is technically supposed to be for girls in college, but whatever, most of it still applies)... do you all know any others?

Twitter has eaten my brain... and spit out the seeds.

I feel bad not blogging recently because I was finally doing well and getting my act together, but somehow I actually have become one of those obnoxious people who seems to have given up on the beauty of the written word and now I just microblog, or Twitter. And since I put my feed up here, I feel like it's somehow okay because it's a sort of update on my life. Even though I usually blog about completely different things from those that I tweet about. I blog about events and how I react to them and feel about them. I tweet what I'm watching on TV or my mood, sans reason. Any of you guys fall into this trap?

Emotionally Slutty

"I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty." -Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City"

In yet another way that the ladies and writers of SATC have managed to describe a uniquely bizarre and unsettling moment in my life, Carrie brought us the idea of being emotionally slutty. I, regularly emotionally retarded (literally, other people learned how to handle emotions and I try to fake it and teach myself), have had moments where I've felt emotionally slutty. Sometimes it's really just because I'm so closed off that any attempts at letting others in make me feel naked, exposed, and I soon feel slutty and regret it.

But recently, I did it again with my recently close male friend. I sort of just told him some of the stuff about my family... I really don't know why. I guess I wanted to see if he had already heard rumors (because he's connected to me through school distantly, but we know mostly the same people) and I wanted to see how he'd react, what he'd say. I guess I also wanted him to know that while I'm normally an emotional mess, I'm particularly weird and messy these days (though I feel like I have to stop using that excuse because all of this stuff has been happening for so long, but at the same time, everything still applies). He reacted well, I think, mostly tried to understand and he did try to make me feel better - I asked for personal details about his life and he complied.

I just feel bad about it and don't know how to fix it. I'm thinking that I don't talk to him for a week and then pretend it never happened... normally I know that's a bad plan, but for now, when I feel like I've already been too open and had too much talk about feelings (because seriously, I want to keep hanging out with him and watch more sports and I want to go on his hikes because girls can't go alone, while guys can and it's tough finding people nowadays). I honestly don't even know if I have a crush on him, but the whole thing is definitely extra-weird because we have become a pseudo-couple and it would be easier for everyone else if we were dating, but I just can't even think about that right now, though I feel like any of that tension is exacerbated by my uncontrollable word vomit.

So, do you guys have any ideas? How do you fix emotionally-slutty-slips? Is there an equivalent to an emotional garbage bag I can wear to turn my feelings into a grab bag of mystery and illusions?

Discovery Channel: Sperm Travels Faster Toward Attractive Females

Apparently females are outwardly choosy (the sexual gate-keepers) while males are the more covert, sneaky ones... I always suspected it!

So what if the study was conducted using some sort of junglefowl (chicken-like bird) - are human males that much more advanced when it comes to mating games? I demand the proof - and trust me, I can provide a very, very long list of names to back up my side of the argument!

Here's the link to the story from the Discovery Channel...

Sense of Justice

"You can't let one bad moment spoil a bunch of good ones." -Dale Earnhardt

Medical examiners and other such professionals have found it acceptable to tell the world that Steve McNair was killed by his girlfriend who then committed suicide. All the signs were there and many had speculated about what really happened before this "official" ruling, but still, the actual announcement of it makes it tangible and sad in a different (more real?) way.

McNair was one of the "good guys" - a pro-athlete who did a lot of charity work because he wanted to, not just to make amends or as part of court-ordered community service. He was a family man and active in the city he played for (well, spent most of his career with). And somehow he's shot by his girlfriend (he is or was married), just hours after she's arrested for DUI in a car that both of them co-own. It's sad and it's sketchy and it does taint the memory of a supposedly great guy...

It makes me sad because I feel like there's already very very little incentive for pro-athletes to do good in the world. The norms for pro-athlete behavior aren't the same as in the real world - pro-athletes are pressured to perform in completely different, measureable ways and they are surrounded with more temptation and money and choices than most of us will ever see and yet few of them have a college degree (which is not to say that you need a college degree to make good choices, but the whole college experience - the hard classes and academic hoops, the adventures and good friends, late nights and conversations - is something I believe can help you make good decisions). These guys receive far more air time and endorsement for bad behavior (look at Chad Ochocinco who sits around and thinks of bad things to do to others - frequently his teammates - so that he gets more attention and time on "SportsCenter" and builds his brand, whatever that means). And here, McNair was great as a professional athlete and seemed to be a great guy and what may have only been one mistake (the mistress/girlfriend) cost him his life and his legacy as one of the rare great guys and paragon of wise decisions for NFL rookies.

Maybe that's not the case and maybe the shock of the incident will fade and with that, the faint tarnish on his legacy... I just hope it fades before the whole thing becomes coated with a film of slime.

Insomnia

From Jorge Cham's Ph.D. Comics (one of the BEST things ever if you're a grad student.)

I just wrote a long, private post of a conversation/letter that I've been planning in my head for the past hour. I continue to get through books at lightning speed too because I literally read for hours at night while trying to fall asleep. I'm working out and working overtime, but seriously, I just can't get my brain to shut off and fall asleep.

Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? Recommendations for hypnosis or non-traumatic head injury that can help?

Seriously, it's getting exhausting and making everything more difficult. I'm not napping because I keep thinking I'm so tired during the day that if I make myself stay up until a decent time to go to sleep for the night, I'll actually go to sleep. But by then, my body seems to think it's the start of second shift and time to wake-up, not rest up...

Unique Thoughts?

"This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing." -Sam, "Garden State"

Sometimes I think the fact that I'm so ADD that I barely ever stop thinking is a good thing, though recently I think it's led me to have all kinds of crazy weird thoughts and led me to ask questions about a lot of stuff that others don't think about. I realized this tonight while talking to a guy friend that I've realized I might have some feelings for (which is a whole other GIGANTIC entry, but really I think it's a convenience crush, where it would just be easier and make everyone else more comfortable if we just declared that we were dating). But basically, during occasional moments of awkward silence, I've asked him some pretty random questions and tonight followed one up asking if he ever thought about these kinds of things, to which he (not surprisingly) said he definitely did not.

So, what are these crazy weird thoughts? Well, my review/rant about "Taken" was part of it. I know everyone else would have just shut off and been able to watch the movie and enjoy the ass kicking and action sequences. Tonight, I asked male friend if he ever thought about one day, if he ever had kids or just interacted with younger people, if they accused him of never being fun or being young and he had to respond, or at least started to think about how that wasn't true (even if he didn't say it out loud), what would he think about? I was recently pondering that while trying to think of some fun adventure to have some time soon... I think it's all ultimately tied to my desire to just think about something else, something new, something that isn't life and death and what I did wrong and why I suck at life. I think that's how I end up pondering the sense of justice that is or isn't restored by a crappy action movie or what adventures I might tell young kids about one day to prove I had a rebellious spirit once upon a time.

So what do you guys think? Do you ponder whether there's a real difference between those who own motorcycles and those who own them AND go to biker bars and biker nights? (My recent theory is yes, a theory supported by the police stops around all the biker bars.) What else do you guys think about that's totally random and you find yourself wondering if anyone has ever thought about this before...?

Beautifying the Blog

Just wanted to apologize for messing with the blog if any of you reading this (all two of you) had issues with your readers or reading entries here because I was messing around with the blog and going through a number of different layouts. I'm going to have to stop playing with it for a bit or I'll drive myself crazy.

Also, at some point soon I'll put up a real bloglist/blogroll and while I actually subscribe to more blogs than those listed here, let me know (via comment or email to meldoesgradschool@gmail.com) if you want to be listed there and hadn't been. And don't take it personally, I've just lost a lot and let things slip through the cracks when I've edited everything...

FML

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but do not quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow—
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

-"Don't Quit" (Anonymous)


FML. Billionth ticket of the year today... this one not for parking, but speeding. My first speeding ticket. Damn these stupid cops and small town in desperate need of revenue. They keep setting up ridiculous speed traps and just sitting and waiting for locals to get sick of abiding by the two foot stretch where the speed limit drops for no reason (by a good 15mph!) or tourists who don't know any better. I hate this crap. Just when I think I'm successfully juggling all the problems... I think you should be allowed to just announce that you have enough and people should have to leave you alone (or stop demanding to be houseguests or asking for favors).

Seriously, I just can't figure out how to say no anymore... how do you guys say no? Do you just say "NO" and don't give an excuse? Even when it's to friends? Seriously, I just can't participate in another ten hour thesis experiment for someone, go to a Mary Kay party, be an Avon demo, host a sleepover and 5 different houseguests in less than 3 days and not completely lose my mind... so who loses and how can I do it?

Taken - Spoiler Alert!

So I watched "Taken" last night and apparently my expectations were far too high. As much as I feel like I should warn you that this entry might spoil the movie for you, I'm afraid the movie needs no assistance in that domain and it's a disappointment in and of itself. I heard it was very intense and people were on the edge of their seats, never going to talk to strangers again, were sweating by the end of the movie, etc.

I felt misled and under-amused. A few thoughts...

• WAAAAAAAAY too much "character development" (to put it nicely). Why do we spend 20 minutes seeing this ridiculous spoiled daughter that cannot possibly exist in real life? All it did was make it harder for me to root for her to be saved. And make it harder for me to think the ends justified the means. All that sugary-sweetness just made me feel ill. And the time we spend meeting friends of the protagonist/dad character... why?
  
• If the ending wasn't surprising, shouldn't there at least have been a storyline or some intellectual thread of mystery or suspense that kept audiences entertained? I wanted Liam Neeson's previous cases and work and enemies to be part of the whole thing, coming back to haunt him. There was no mystery in the movie. Just mediocre car chases in a glorified Audi ad.
• No sense of justice restored here... most movies only kill off obvious bad guys while the main character rescues the innocent character in jeopardy. Nope. Here the wife of corrupt official gets shot in the arm and no one even blinks. Lower-level guys in horrible economic situations who may or may not know about the bad things going on or may not have any choice in the matter (rather than the greedy bastards at the top - seemed like some of these guys think they're just working security, not unlike what our friend Liam Neeson is doing at the beginning of the movie) are killed and we simply ignore that 10 to 20 people are killed so Liam Neeson can get his daughter back. I like my justice legitimate, not overly excessive (more Jodie Foster in "The Brave One.")
  
• Maybe some intense action scenes could have restored the experience for me, but ultimately some care chases and admittedly badass fight scenes weren't enough for me. I think if the intellectual plotline had existed, that would have been enough for me, but the rest of it was definitely not nearly good enough to stand alone. And the gag-inducing cheese-fest of an ending... umm, wasn't this supposed to be an action flick and NOT a movie only 8-year olds could take seriously as a depiction of ANYTHING? (I'm pretty sure that Walt Disney didn't actually make this as a sequel to Cinderella, but perhaps I should check, as that's the only way the end "fits" into anything.)
  

A Farewell to Icons

Apparently MJ's death almost crashed the internet. At least according to CNN. Apparently he did manage to affect Google News, Wikipedia, and Twitter... or at least made it difficult to search for anything using any of them.

Given that it's so pretty much everyone on the planet has been talking about these two deaths, it's pretty hard to say anything all that unique or even witty and insightful. But Meagan K (a fellow 20sb member!) had some awesome thoughts on it and managed to sum up some of the best of both, like which colors make the best accessories (white for gloves and red for swimsuits) and so I think all I'll say is that you should read what she said...

Bad things in 3s?

One of my mom's friends - a particularly spiritual woman who enjoys Paganism, being psychic, mysticism, and other non-traditional perspectives on life - claims that bad things happen in sets of three.

So if Farrah Fawcett is one and Michael Jackson is two, who's unlucky number three?

Both those guys were SO young and so iconic to so many, it's terrifying. How could both be lost on the same day?

It's terrifying to think that some day I'll be able to say that I was alive when Michael Jackson was, when he toured around... the same way some people talk about Elvis.

"It's Okay NOT to be Okay."

"Sometimes someone says something really small and it just fits into this empty place in your heart." -Angela Chase, "My So-Called Life"

I had a great chat with an old friend who I haven't seen in awhile tonight and I forget how much I like her. She's honest and believes in being open and telling you what's happening in her life without sugar coating it, yet she's a pretty kick-ass listener (because people can be okay at it, and then there are some where you really notice how good they are at it and she's one of those). And as she was leaving tonight, she reminded me to call her anytime and I told her I was okay, doing okay. And she casually leaned back and told me that it was okay if I wasn't doing okay, that's okay not to be okay.

And I hadn't realized how much I needed to hear that until she said it and something just clicked, and I just relaxed. Everyone wants you to say you're great when they ask how you're doing, they don't pause for the honest answer and she does. She wants to know. And she's okay with the messy stuff, with the crap, the horrible stuff no one wants to hear about. And sadly she's not always there to hear about it because she makes this offer to so many different people, but that's fine. I feel good just being reminded that every once in awhile people come along who listen and ask how you are and wait for the answer. And just listen. Without judgment.

I need to be more like that.

Athletes Behaving Badly (...or just broadcasting badly)

"I didn't kill nobody, I didn't rape nobody, so that's it." -Manny Ramirez, while explaining why he thought the media should move on from the fact that he was suspended for violation of anti-doping laws

I lied with the title... sort of. I'm actually just frustrated with the announcers for the College World Series. They fawn over various characters on the big stage in Omaha and completely ignore facts and reality. I feel like I blog a bit too much about sports, but I do watch a lot of them and one of the benefits of watching ESPN a lot, for a lot of years at this point, is that I can remember these past indiscretions that these pathetic excuses for journalists somehow forget to mention...

First, Robin Ventura is one of the commentators and has been for years. His colleagues help him re-live the glory days, when he played for Oklahoma State and set records that didn't even have all that much to do with skill (consecutive games with a hit... as opposed to batting titles and RBIs). However, they ignore what Ventura SHOULD be most famous for, which is taking a serious ASS KICKING from Nolan Ryan. Seriously, Nolan Ryan just punches him the head while he has Ventura in a headlock. It's amazing and you should REALLY watch it here on YouTube. And it's the only thing Ventura really did in the majors, but somehow his colleagues spend inning after inning, game after game, year after year, re-living the same minor accomplishments. Honestly, it's not really amoral or anything, it's just part of how I feel like allowing former athletes with borderline narcisstic personality disorders to simply talk for hours at a time is a bad idea.

Second, the bigger problem with athletes today, as spotlighted in the College World Series, is how journalists and commentators ignore enormous indiscretions on supposed role models. Augie Garrido, the coach of the Texas team, currently playing in the finals, is constantly revered for his wins and being a living legend in college baseball. This would be fine if old Augie didn't get a DUI this year. Yeah, he's not the only one to get a DUI - not the first or last famous, infamous, or regular Joe to get one. But the problem is that Augie is a supposed role model. He recruits high school boys and tells their parents that he has a whole program and turns them into model young men. If he's anything like any other college coach, he tells moms and dads everywhere that his program is about more than just the sport, but about learning life lessons and molding these sons into the men they will become. And Augie gets a DUI and a few months later we're all pretending that he's still this great role model for young men, that his actions didn't invalidate the words he's been spewing for years now... shouldn't the people struggling for something to talk about for three or four hours, who are supposed to be journalists, mention this rather than sweeping it under the rug? I thought maybe I'd been wrong about when Augie had this incident, but it was this year, the end of January, as the article is still on ESPN.com here.

I know hypocrisy runs rampant and these aren't really injustices - particularly given that Manny Ramirez gets to go back towards the majors by making a minor league start earlier tonight OR that the governor of South Carolina disappeared, probably to a nudist weekend despite his conservative stance on everything - but it's just frustrating and it's something that annoys me on a regular basis because I just think ESPN should screen and test these people a bit better before giving them three to four hours a night to talk to the nation. But maybe it's just me...

Recent Stuff I Love

"When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad..."
-Maria, "The Sound of Music"

Enough with the "woe is me" attitude, at least for now. It's time to get back to work and so I'm focusing on the positive, so here it is...

I've purchased several things lately (mostly online because of my immense dislike of in-person shopping) and been quite satisfied with those, as well as some other discoveries, all of which I feel compelled to share. So here's what I'm loving now!

First, the free discoveries (we are surviving a rough economy right now!) -

Last.fm radio: Sort of like Pandora, but more focused on the social aspect and more information about different bands. Easier to manage in some ways, though I think it just has a wider variety of music I like and its own player you can download for free! (And if you want to be my friend on this, and you should, I'm melbelleinsc.)

Kaboodle: You can make a million different wishlists and love lists and enough lists to satisfy all of your OCD tendencies. You can look at what other people save and list and see prices for all kinds of cool stuff, while organizing what you want from a number of different sites.


As for clothes and some recent satisfying purchases -

Nick & Nora PJ Pants in "Cocktails" from Target: Only $16 and very light and comfortable for wearing around the house. They're so cute that I feel like I'm in a movie going to sleep (because movie stars always look cute when going to sleep). (I really want to buy more and they're all online, so it could be tempting...)


Champion Blue Striped Sports Bra: Another fantastic find at Target. While working out in it, I feel all Jillian-Michaels-esque. Not exactly sure that she's ever worn something similar, but I just really like it. Lightweight and avoids uni-boob, though not so good for real running (at least not without another sports bra... though I usually wear two anyways to avoid awkward gym encounters). It's $18 online, but in the store I got this one for only $5!

Shirts from Fossil: I only own this in brown, but I ordered another shirt from them and I really like the quality of them. Material isn't see-through, but it's still lightweight and very rich color. Sort of justifies why they're more expensive than Gap and similar competitors. This photo also hints at what I love and am wanting right now - the jewelry they make. I LOVE the necklaces they have right now, but they're WAAAAAY too expensive for me. At least while I'm a poor grad student...

Lessons from the Book of Job

"Don’t try to make life a mathematics problem with yourself in the center and everything coming out equal. When you’re good, bad things can still happen. And if you’re bad, you can still be lucky." -Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible

Sometimes life is just hard. Sometimes you have to just resist the urge to look up at the skies and tell God to take His best shot, strike you with lightning or just destroy you (a la Jena Malone in "Saved!" or any number of other memorable movie moments). I've felt close to that point the past few days.

I rushed home to Atlanta late last night because my dog from elementary school through high school and who my dad claimed was his when I left for college was very, very sick and losing gross motor control. The vets did a biopsy and there's a tumor occupying most of her snout, but they aren't sure if it's a very aggressive tumor that's pressing on her brain or has invaded it. If it has invaded her brain, she's terminal. If not, it's treatable. For now, she is leaking blood everywhere and struggling to breathe. She's lost a lot of weight, can barely sleep because she has to struggle to breathe, and the vets swear it's more discomfort than pain. I'm coaxing her to eat and drink and constantly wondering how we're going to make it until we get biopsy results on Tuesday. This is when we learn her fate, assuming she doesn't get drastically worse and demonstrate on her own that her brain is infected rather than simply affected.

It's truly heartbreaking and horrific. Worse than when my mom had her lung biopsy and they couldn't quite sew her up all the way (that's how it works with lungs -- too many alveoli and little tubes and vessels that don't get sewn up) and she would just start gushing blood from about the bottom of her rib cage. This is worse because Wilma, my/my family's dog, looks so pitiful and helpless and she herself is getting covered in blood, but doesn't want us to wash her. Sometimes she comes over and looks up at me and I know she wants something, but I can't figure it out. We go through the typical things and ultimately I think she wants someone to make it hurt less, but I can't.

I honestly think that watching another living being suffer like this might be the hardest thing to do. And as if this wasn't awful enough, it's my father's first Father's Day without his own father so I'm sure that my grandfather was thinking about his father this weekend and seeing this awful suffering can't help, but bring all of it to mind. And my dad is so close to Wilma. When my dad has been laying around with his radiation treatment, Wilma has napped with him and been there for him and just simply understood and sympathized and try to help in a way that no human ever can. She selflessly loved him and now she has to suffer like this and it breaks my heart. There's no way that she's just uncomfortable, you can't look at this dog and not see that now.

I just can't believe that this is happening right now. I just don't know how much more my family, my dad in particular, can take. And reading up on Job and struggling to make meaning out of this or just find some small comfort... well, it's just not happening. I don't know if I'll ever grow to accept this particular story that's always bothered me anyways, but I certainly can't at this point in time...

Hopefully you all are looking at a much better approaching weekend...

(And a slight update: Had to do something creative or mind-numbing because of a freakin' RIDICULOUSLY terrible email from the thesis adviser and I just can't think about it because I'm so angry and I just can't believe how shitty she is sometimes... like now. So here's a slideshow of William Blake's Illustrations of the Book of Job. Images from Wikipedia.)

Houseguests and Fish

"Houseguests -- like fish -- begin to smell after three days." -Benjamin Franklin

Franklin is not nearly recognized enough for his practical genius... just when you think you know all the ways the man is a genius, you discover a new maxim that strikes true in another way and realize he's the source of it.

But I have to keep this short, as I am currently writing in secret from my room, with houseguest in other room. Mostly sleeping. AGAIN. And snoring. VERY loudly. It was exhausting for her to sit on my couch literally the ENTIRE day (she did get up to the to the bathroom, but seriously, I brought her food, the phone, etc. because she didn't want to get up and I didn't want to fight) and thought that was fine - as she told at least 16 people that's what was happening while on the phone with them. And the rest of the time she was watching TV on her laptop with the volume all the way up.

She's leaving tomorrow. And if she doesn't choose to leave voluntarily (hopefully as soon as possible), I will remove her. Some people are fine as friends and then they turn into Godzilla on Vacay in your small apartment and you just can't seem to find your way out of the subway station into the light...

Sadly I'm excited to get her out and then get to clean up my apartment and buy more food because it's useless to try while she's still here. It scares me that I'm looking forward to cleaning and grocery shopping. Though today's highlight involved my car repair taking longer than expected resulting in a legitimate reason to read in the relative quiet of the autoshop waiting room (it's relative and not an oxymoron, I swear).